Learning more about my addiction.

On the 18th our congregation held a fundraiser for the scouts.  We were all supposed to bring a desert to be auctioned.  I had had a busy day, and was gone for most of it.  At around 5 pm I remembered the desert, bought the ingredients and through the oreo cheesecake together.  At some point I justified tasting the tiniest taste, to make sure the flavor was on point.  What went in to this addictive behavior? and why would I call it an addictive behavior?  I made a commitment to myself, God, and my sponsor that I would not let any sugar or flour pass in to my mouth.  When I started to justify it, thinking I was the only one that could actually tell if the flavor was good, I let pride, isolation, and deciet sneak in.  It was a break.  I was dissapointed.  I started to desire a change in pace.  I knew that there are other sponsors that would be willing to let me lick my finger.  My heart was slipping.  I wasn't following the program that was layed out for me.
Just a few days later, I was again busy.  It was going to be after 2 pm. before I could eat dinner, so I asked my husband to cook a steak for me.  When I sat down to eat, after eating about half the steak I realized that there was seasoning salt on it.  I immediately washed the steak off and called my sponsor.  But, that was break number two for the week.  It was so frustrating.  I just wanted to give up.  So, what led to this break?  I let my food leave my control.  I didn't leave time for a meal, and I got complacent, not being careful in what I chose to put in my mouth.
Later I spoke with another person in the program.  As I was sharing my numbers with her, I lied about my weight loss.  I said that I was in the 190s.  But, I haven't weighed in yet for this month and I didn't know that for sure.  I had to re-state what I actually knew, which was 200.2 lbs.  She said, "Be honest. When you focus on the weight, you loose your recovery.  When you focus on your recovery, you loose the weight."
Another issue that I have been dealing with is researching .  I've researched body type and size, I've researched how to have a laxative effect with food, low calorie foods, and lighter protiens.  I am making poor choices based on outword appearance, and obsessing over size rather than trusting God.  Finally I am struggling with timing on meals.  I need to be more careful with having the food I need in the house, measuring carefully when it comes to oil.  Being timely when I feed myself and keeping my schedule in my recovery.
All of these things have cropped up this month.  I am not sure if they have more to do with fasting, the holidays, and seeing family, or just my addiction rearing its ugly head.
But for now, I am grateful for my program.  I am grateful for my sponsor and the time she puts in to me.  I am grateful for God and for his love and grace.

And though the numbers don't matter, its good for documentation sake.  I am 188, and a size 12 now.  about 40 lbs. to go, and about 90 down.