Seek

 I have been praying for more patience with my children. I want to be the kind of mom that automatically redirects with love and not scorn or judgement. I've seen it modeled and I wanted that for myself. Yesterday I read this quote..."In your unrest behold Gods calmness; In your impatience, God's patience; in your limitations, Gods perfection. Looking upward toward God, your spirit will begin to grow. As you grow in the spiritual life, you will be enabled to do many things that seemed too hard for you before." 
So, I was praying for this, and had it in mind. As Benjamin spilled, had accidents, demanded in the tone of a 2 year old, and generally went about his day in all of his 2 year old glory, I had gentle reminders of Gods perspective. How God, our Heavenly Father treats me, teaches me, and loves me, Even though I am immature, imperfect, and unrelenting. It was a blessing. 
Following that, Eve came home, discouraged, because she almost made it the whole day without sitting in the time out chair, only to have to sit in time out at the very end of the day. She was looking to me to direct her on how she should process the situation. Would I validate her concerns that she was hopeless? Thankfully, I was given a gift. What used to be a 5 minute lecture on respect for rules and her teacher followed by a time out and lots of tears, turned into a beautiful moment. These words were given to me, "Eve you are wonderful, and I know that really soon you are going to figure out how to keep all of the rules in school, just think how good that is going to feel. Theres a lot to learn with this kindergarten gig, and your doing great!" That was followed by a big hug from her and a smile, with a vow that she was going to do better. All evening she could be heard saying or singing, "I am wonderful". Its easy to be as hard on our kids as we are on ourselves, demanding perfection. I hope we can all try to be as careful with our children and ourselves as our Father in Heaven is with us, offering mercy.

This is my Mom, Eve, and I one early morning

I and we are the only differences in Ill and Well

   A study I recently read about addiction talks about isolation and its relation to addiction.  One of the things I love about my program is that it removes me from Isolation.  I am no longer an I, rather a fellow in a fellowship full of we's!  and together we are becoming addicts in recovery.  What a fantastic feeling.  

   Every morning I wake up and do some quiet meditation.  I read out of a meditation book, pray, and then study my scriptures.  I do this for about 20 minutes every day, at around 5:10 am.  At 5:30 I call my sponsor.  My sponsor is a sweet little lady from Massachusettes.  She volunteers about 20 minutes of her day to me, for free!  She has been doing this program as an addict for 16 years.  She is a wealth of knowledge, advice, and wisdom.  This is step one of removing I from my addiction, and moving in to recovery.  I call her, she never calls me.  I reach out, and she is always waiting to help.  

   After my phone call to my sponsor, I take some time to eat my breakfast, around 6 AM.  After breakfast I call several people from my list of fellow addicts.  My goal is to speak with 3 people.  I usually dial from 10 to 15 numbers, before 3 pick up.  I leave lots of message, and when people answer we talk about our struggles with our addictions, what we are learning, and what is going well for us.  

   By this time I have had almost 2 hours of time where I reach out of myself to serve and be served.  This is such a major part of my recovery.  As I pray, meditate, and call, I feel strength in my recovery.  Twice a week I go to AA meetings.  At the meetings, I make it a goal to speak with people.  I also engage in listening to the people who speak.  I have learned so much about my own recovery within those walls.  

  Addiction is addiction, it doesn't matter your drug of choice, when you are addicted, the attitudes, mentality, and attributes all look about the same.  I learn so much from the alcholics and drug addicts in that little church.  This is another way to move from I to we.  

  On Saturday mornings I get up a little extra early, 4:30 AM.  I meet on a phone conference call to go over the principles of the 12 step program.  There are about 40 people on our conference call, each of us in unique experiences, in unique locations, all with a common disease, and a common recovery.  It is lovely to hear how each person uses tools to benefit their own recovery.  

   What a blessing for me, I finally feel well.  I have aloud God and people in to my life, my addiction, and my story, and shockingly people don't hate me, the shame is gone, and I am on the road to wellness.  

On a side note, Goals, like new years resolutions, used to be hard for me.  I might say something like, "I am going to wake up every morning at 5 am to study my scriptures".  It would happen every day for two or three days and then it would fizzle out.  I didn't know what was wrong with me, my intentions were good, but my follow through was lacking.  How could I improve if I couldn't follow through? 

Well, interestingly enough, after addressing my addiction I have had so many of my "good intentions" become good daily practices.. I get up, shower, get dressed, brush teeth, read scriptures, pray, exercise, eat healthy, clean my home, and go to bed on time.  Im not 100%, but I will tell you that it is so much easier to do these things that create wellness with my addiction in recovery!

September

September 2016 209 lbs.  75 inches lost and 67 lbs. lost

Its interesting how the brain of a person with an eating disorder works.  This week I have been really battling with body image.  Even though I can see the numbers going down, I can not see a difference in my self.  I don't see my self honestly.  I see a fat person in the mirror.  With every effort to be honest and real, I hope you don't mind me sharing my truth.  Over the last several months I have lost 67 lbs. and 75 inches,  But, looking at images of my self I can not see a difference.  I've been pretty upset with my self this week for what I can not see.  After talking with my sponsor, my husband and listening to some pretty amazing and uplifting speakers this weekend, I have a few bits of knowledge to share.

July 2016 around 250 lbs.

Post Marothon, 209 lbs. May 2010

1st time fitting back in to my Senior prom dress. April 2010 around 215 lbs.

1) When you can't trust your brain, trust your program.  My addict brain would tell me all sorts of lies, Im not enough, I am fat, I am worthless, Why try, Chocolate is better than this, etc.  My program and ultimately my God tells me that I am his child, I am created in his image, I am enough because he is enough, Get out of bed,  Eat food that is good for you, Read scriptures, pray, study, smile, be engaged with family, be grateful.  I can trust that even when my brain is telling me otherwise.

2) Be Grateful.  Count your blessings.  Name them.  What are you truely grateful for?  What has God blessed you with?  What brings you joy?  Make a list, write it in your journal, live for your gratitude.
3)Addicts struggle with isolation.  When your stuck in your brain, reach out!  Ask for help, talk through your feelings.  Don't Isolate!

4)God is patient.  He loves you.  He waits for you and loves you through it.  He will never turn his back on you.  Be patient with yourself.  Follow the example of the one who loves you perfectly.
Please don't misunderstand me here.  I do not believe that God would not be patient with my being over weight or having an eating disorder.  I don't think he really cares how much I weigh.  What I do think is that when I personally struggle with my eating disorder, God patiently waits for me to come to him.  Because, I am putting food thoughts or self hate thoughts above all else.  He quietly waits for me to come to him.  To look beyond my self, to reach out and ask him for help.  Each time I do that, he is always there with out streched arms waiting to recieve me.  God is patient.

50

Today I have 3 months of addiction recovery from food.  What a fantastic feeling it is to be in the right frame of mind when it comes to food.  I hardly ever think about food now.  It used to be a constant running thought, "what can I eat, where is that candy, when can I go to the store to get junk food, will Tom notice, you're so fat(I recognize this as not my own thought), I hate my body, I hate how I feel, where is that candy bar, one lindt truffle is enough, your an idiot for eating more(again not my own), how many calories have I consumed, how do people eat just one, how did I just eat the entire bag.."  and on and on and on.  Now I feel hungry at meal time, eat, and I am done.  My brain is clear and I can focus on the tasks at hand.

The scale and the measuring tape have been showing good numbers as well.  I weigh 226.4 lbs.  That means I lost almost 14 lbs. this month.  As far as inches, I've lost another 11 and 3/4 inches for a total of 56 inches lost in the last 3 months.

I am so much more active now.  I attribute that to carrying 50 less lbs. around with me.  50 lbs!!  I walk 3 days a week and play basketball 2 days a week.  I love it!  I feel really good.

I had been really sluggish as well, but after talking with my husband I realized I was still sleeping like an addict.  I would go to bed after midnight some times at 1 or 2 in the morning.  Then, I would wake up at 5 to talk with my sponsor.  I have committed to a 10 pm bedtime now, and I am getting 7 hours a night.  It makes me feel so much better! I am considering a 9 o'clock bedtime.

This program has saved my life.  I am grateful  and happy.

Journey of a food addict

This is me the first day of this program. May 20,2016

I found a program 2 months ago that has really worked for me.  During my adult life my weight has bounced between 280 lbs and 210 pounds on more than one occasion.  Weight is constantly on my mind.  At some point along the way, I realized that I was a food addict.  But, how do you give up something that keeps you alive?  So, I would continue down the path of eating whatever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to.  After over eating I would feel intense shame and embarassment.  Even, often eating myself in to a sugar coma, where I would nearly pass out, and have to nap to get over it.  I would look at other people and recognize that they could stop when they felt full.  I never stopped till I cleaned my plate, and then I continued to eat if I was feeling emotional.  It was easy for me to eat through 10 lbs of chocolate or a box of donuts in a day.

I've been like this since I was a child.  My mom always caught me sneaking sweets.  Sweetened condensed milk or store bought frosting were my favorites. The term "too rich" never applied to me. But, I have memories of over eating healthy food as well.  One time I remember eating cucumbers and ranch until I was so full that I threw up.  I was always concerned about my size.  I would have my sisters sit on my feet and count my situps every night before bed, from about 2nd grade on.  I would do 100.  I started running to help me with my weight in Junior High, and that continued on through 2012. I remember learning about Bulimia and Anorexia in Health class.  I remember looking at the pictures of the ultra thin girls in my text book and thinking what a good idea it was to try and see if those eating disorders would work for me as a method to weight loss.  Later in my life my aunt told me that her mother in law used laxatives to control weight loss, she was disgusted by it.  Again, I felt like maybe that would help me loose weight.  I've hated and envied thin women all my life.  I literally have obsessed over women and their size.  

I would marvel at my husbands ability to have a drawer full of chocolate and eat one every couple of days or so.  

So, back to Im a food addict.  I found a program that works for me.  I use a sponsor.  I tell her what I am going to eat every day.  I weigh my food.  The program is a 12 step program.  Every time my addiction raises its ugly head and I feel tempted to eat addictively, I make a phone call.  I call someone else in the program.  It always takes my cravings away, and I am able to stick with my food plan.  I also attend AA meetings to learn more about my addiction and I reach out to those in my community who understand addiction. More often than not, I turn to prayer when I am feeling weak.  I am so grateful that this program has found me.  It is changing my life. I can't forsee the future and I try to take life one day at a time, but for now, I feel like this is a lifestyle change, and I hope I stick with it for the rest of my life. My sister in law led me to the program, and I will be forever grateful to her.

Before I always adicitively ate to self medicate feelings of stress, anger, or sadness mostly.  I over ate the rest of the time, but usually the adictive eating saw me through the worst of my feelings.  Now, I have been through travel, a funeral, a baby shower, family conflict and resolution, girls camp, and sickness, all while relying on Heavenly Father instead of food.  

This was me July 4, 2016,  256 lbs.  I'd lost 20 lbs, 1.5 months into the program and down 23 inches.

  My goal for my weight is to get down to 150 lbs.  This is a weight that has not been touched since before 6th grade.  I believe I weighed 160 lbs in 6th grade, but I was only about 5'6".  Now, I am 5'10".  I am looking forward to being in a right sized body.  My weight is melting off, and I am feeling good.  I don't eat any flour or sugar, and I always weigh my food to get exact quantities.  In the begining this felt like an impossible task, now it seems easy and doable.  It also gets my mind off of food obsession.  Any way,   more to come, but I am excited at this direction that my life has taken.  

Me today 7/27/16 down another 21.25 inches for a total of 44.25, and 16 lbs down for a total of 36 pounds lost.

My Husband is on board.

Last night Hubbin and I came up with a lifestyle plan.  This plan should put us at running 6 miles 3 days a week, by week 12.
We started this morning at week 1 with a 2 and 1/2 mile walk pushing the stroller.  We will do that three days this week, and then the other three days we will do 10 pushups, 10 situps, and 10 jumping jacks.  I know it sounds limited, but we are easing in to it.
We also decided to kick off this new health plan with a week long smoothy cleanse.
This morning we choked down a carrot/ginger/apple smoothy.
For lunch and dinner we are going to gag down a spinach/kale/apple/cucumber/celery/lettuce/lemon smoothy.
We are drinking lots(half our body weight in ounces) of water flavored with ginger/lemon/cucumber/and mint.
We get two salads this week(no limits on size) with avocado dressing.
The reason we decided to do the cleanse, was just so we could sort of jump start our digestive system for a new way of eating.
After the cleanse we will go on my marathon diet.  It is really easy diet to follow and maintain.  5 vegetables, 4 fruits, 3 proteins, 3 starches, 2 dairy, and 2 fats.  These are all just regular serving sizes.
Side effects day one.
I am shaking and grumpy and craving sugar.  I am having a hard time thinking and making conversation.  Hah!  I am a total sugar addict.  This will be so good for me!

The Ants go Marching AKA Spring Cleaning

Spring has sprung at our house. The sunshine called our names. We all ran outside in 3 fewer layers than we have worn all year. Lovely spring. Wonderful mud. Freedom in flip-flops. Bonfires. Garden plans. Yard work. and Bugs! Yep it is that season again.

There is nothing like an ant marching through your living room at 10:00 at night to inspire you to a spring clean! Last night battling all odds, with the little ones tucked in bed, we cleaned the entire main floor of the house, hopefully staving off those foragers until the bug man can get over here and spray.

We have another motivation for spring cleaning around here. Every time it rains the basement floods. And, the other day we got our first spring rain. So, we mopped the basement. I am starting to wonder if spring cleaning didn't first come about because of these seasonal changes.

So, the house is all clean for spring, and in order to keep it that way, I intend to spend as much time as possible out side.

We have big plans for our yard this year. Several raised garden boxes are in the works. A solar powered water feature is on the dream board. The boys have even cooked up something major, our very own neighborhood park with a mansion in the tree.

Yes spring is here, so bring on the farmer tan, because vitamin D here I come!