Settling in for life

Date	June 4th	December 29
Left Arm	20.5 inches	14.5 inches
Thinnest waist	39	28.5
Hips	53.5	39
Lower waist	49	35.5
Right Arm	19.5	14.5
Bust	48.5	37
Neck	15	13
Left Thigh	34	23
Under Bust	39	30.75
Right Thigh	34.5	23.5
Left knee (widest)	21	16
Right Knee	22	16
Left Calf	19	16
Right Calf	19.5	16

I've lost 109.75 inches, and 97 lbs. 

                        

From the beginning of this program I felt led to move in to a more plant based diet.  I knew with the control I had over my food I would be able to maintain veganism.  The only thing that kept me from going vegan was that my sponsor could not sponsor me if I changed.  In the end, my health was more important to me than anything else.  So, I switched sponsors, and I have moved completely in to a plant based diet. I feel so much better.  My digestion has improved and I feel more energy.  This is something I can do for the rest of forever!  This is the way Heavenly Father meant for me to eat.  I feel awesome!   It is also so much cheaper!!  A bag of beans lasts for about 10 meals and costs about $1.  3 steaks cost about $5, and it will last about 3 meals.

On another note, now I am just maintaining the weight I have.  I'm right around 180 lbs.  I'm a size 8-10. I never imagined what it would feel like to be comfortable in my body.  This is as small as I have EVER been.  I've never been this height and weight.

My maintenance food is perfect for me, and I am very happy with settling in for the rest of my life.  Happy Happy Life. This must be serenity.

Learning more about my addiction.

On the 18th our congregation held a fundraiser for the scouts.  We were all supposed to bring a desert to be auctioned.  I had had a busy day, and was gone for most of it.  At around 5 pm I remembered the desert, bought the ingredients and through the oreo cheesecake together.  At some point I justified tasting the tiniest taste, to make sure the flavor was on point.  What went in to this addictive behavior? and why would I call it an addictive behavior?  I made a commitment to myself, God, and my sponsor that I would not let any sugar or flour pass in to my mouth.  When I started to justify it, thinking I was the only one that could actually tell if the flavor was good, I let pride, isolation, and deciet sneak in.  It was a break.  I was dissapointed.  I started to desire a change in pace.  I knew that there are other sponsors that would be willing to let me lick my finger.  My heart was slipping.  I wasn't following the program that was layed out for me.
Just a few days later, I was again busy.  It was going to be after 2 pm. before I could eat dinner, so I asked my husband to cook a steak for me.  When I sat down to eat, after eating about half the steak I realized that there was seasoning salt on it.  I immediately washed the steak off and called my sponsor.  But, that was break number two for the week.  It was so frustrating.  I just wanted to give up.  So, what led to this break?  I let my food leave my control.  I didn't leave time for a meal, and I got complacent, not being careful in what I chose to put in my mouth.
Later I spoke with another person in the program.  As I was sharing my numbers with her, I lied about my weight loss.  I said that I was in the 190s.  But, I haven't weighed in yet for this month and I didn't know that for sure.  I had to re-state what I actually knew, which was 200.2 lbs.  She said, "Be honest. When you focus on the weight, you loose your recovery.  When you focus on your recovery, you loose the weight."
Another issue that I have been dealing with is researching .  I've researched body type and size, I've researched how to have a laxative effect with food, low calorie foods, and lighter protiens.  I am making poor choices based on outword appearance, and obsessing over size rather than trusting God.  Finally I am struggling with timing on meals.  I need to be more careful with having the food I need in the house, measuring carefully when it comes to oil.  Being timely when I feed myself and keeping my schedule in my recovery.
All of these things have cropped up this month.  I am not sure if they have more to do with fasting, the holidays, and seeing family, or just my addiction rearing its ugly head.
But for now, I am grateful for my program.  I am grateful for my sponsor and the time she puts in to me.  I am grateful for God and for his love and grace.

And though the numbers don't matter, its good for documentation sake.  I am 188, and a size 12 now.  about 40 lbs. to go, and about 90 down.  

The nature of puppies

I heard a story yesterday from a book called Daily Reflections, in my AA meeting. The man in the story described how he never had a relationship with God, because he was afraid of him. But, then he heard his friend tell a story about his childhood that changed his mind. His friend was given charge of several puppies as a young boy. The puppies were sweet and playful, but every morning when his friend woke up, there were tokens of puppies all over the floor. All though frustrated, the boy could never get angry with the puppies, because that was after all, just the nature of puppies. Together they decided that our loving Heavenly Father probably views us with equal love, beacuase that is the nature of human.

I am grateful for this story. As a parent, I know how much love and tenderness I feel for my children. I am inspired to think that our Father in Heaven feels the same for me!

This story was helpfull this week especially. I always feel some form of trepidation when it comes to my weigh ins, which happen on the 27th of each month. Some how, head games become stronger. Fear doubt and insecurities arise, and I just feel plain crummy. After talking this through with my sponsor, she encouraged me to write a list corresponding with the alphabet of all of the things on my body that I am grateful for. So, endulge with me in this little game, for I am truely in awe of Gods creation.

A- Long arms, great for hugging and carrying groceries

B-Bones that keep me upright

C-my high indian cheekbones

D- diaphram that keeps me breathing

E- my eyes, expressive and warm

F- fingers, long and graceful

G- gluteous maximus- great for sitting on

H- Hip bones, effective in child birth

I- intestines, keeping the plumming running smoothly

J-Jaw- strong and defined

K- Knee- Keeping me running and jumping for the last 33 years!

L- Legs, Long and perfect for basketball

M-Mammary Glands- for feeding my babies

N-Nose- for smelling the roses and the diapers that need changing

O-Ovaries, thanks for all of those eggs!

P- Pancrease, keep that insulin coming baby

Q-quadratus lumborum muscle- thanks for holding me up and helping me digest

R-Retina, 20-20 vision way to focus!

S-Spine- always posturing , holds me up and protect my spinal chord

T- Teeth- Just keep chewing, and stronger without sugar!

U-Uvula- All these years, protecting my wind pipe from food and drink.

V- Veins- carry nutrients and oxygen throughout my body, generational record for gallons donated

W- Womb- Thank you for growing so many healthy babies

X- Xiphoid Process, Keep holding on, your needed.  I support you.

Y-Yellow Marrow- Thanks for the Red blood cells, platelets, and most white blood cells arise in red marrow.

Z-Zygote- Thanks for a great beginning.

Seek

 I have been praying for more patience with my children. I want to be the kind of mom that automatically redirects with love and not scorn or judgement. I've seen it modeled and I wanted that for myself. Yesterday I read this quote..."In your unrest behold Gods calmness; In your impatience, God's patience; in your limitations, Gods perfection. Looking upward toward God, your spirit will begin to grow. As you grow in the spiritual life, you will be enabled to do many things that seemed too hard for you before." 
So, I was praying for this, and had it in mind. As Benjamin spilled, had accidents, demanded in the tone of a 2 year old, and generally went about his day in all of his 2 year old glory, I had gentle reminders of Gods perspective. How God, our Heavenly Father treats me, teaches me, and loves me, Even though I am immature, imperfect, and unrelenting. It was a blessing. 
Following that, Eve came home, discouraged, because she almost made it the whole day without sitting in the time out chair, only to have to sit in time out at the very end of the day. She was looking to me to direct her on how she should process the situation. Would I validate her concerns that she was hopeless? Thankfully, I was given a gift. What used to be a 5 minute lecture on respect for rules and her teacher followed by a time out and lots of tears, turned into a beautiful moment. These words were given to me, "Eve you are wonderful, and I know that really soon you are going to figure out how to keep all of the rules in school, just think how good that is going to feel. Theres a lot to learn with this kindergarten gig, and your doing great!" That was followed by a big hug from her and a smile, with a vow that she was going to do better. All evening she could be heard saying or singing, "I am wonderful". Its easy to be as hard on our kids as we are on ourselves, demanding perfection. I hope we can all try to be as careful with our children and ourselves as our Father in Heaven is with us, offering mercy.

This is my Mom, Eve, and I one early morning

I and we are the only differences in Ill and Well

   A study I recently read about addiction talks about isolation and its relation to addiction.  One of the things I love about my program is that it removes me from Isolation.  I am no longer an I, rather a fellow in a fellowship full of we's!  and together we are becoming addicts in recovery.  What a fantastic feeling.  

   Every morning I wake up and do some quiet meditation.  I read out of a meditation book, pray, and then study my scriptures.  I do this for about 20 minutes every day, at around 5:10 am.  At 5:30 I call my sponsor.  My sponsor is a sweet little lady from Massachusettes.  She volunteers about 20 minutes of her day to me, for free!  She has been doing this program as an addict for 16 years.  She is a wealth of knowledge, advice, and wisdom.  This is step one of removing I from my addiction, and moving in to recovery.  I call her, she never calls me.  I reach out, and she is always waiting to help.  

   After my phone call to my sponsor, I take some time to eat my breakfast, around 6 AM.  After breakfast I call several people from my list of fellow addicts.  My goal is to speak with 3 people.  I usually dial from 10 to 15 numbers, before 3 pick up.  I leave lots of message, and when people answer we talk about our struggles with our addictions, what we are learning, and what is going well for us.  

   By this time I have had almost 2 hours of time where I reach out of myself to serve and be served.  This is such a major part of my recovery.  As I pray, meditate, and call, I feel strength in my recovery.  Twice a week I go to AA meetings.  At the meetings, I make it a goal to speak with people.  I also engage in listening to the people who speak.  I have learned so much about my own recovery within those walls.  

  Addiction is addiction, it doesn't matter your drug of choice, when you are addicted, the attitudes, mentality, and attributes all look about the same.  I learn so much from the alcholics and drug addicts in that little church.  This is another way to move from I to we.  

  On Saturday mornings I get up a little extra early, 4:30 AM.  I meet on a phone conference call to go over the principles of the 12 step program.  There are about 40 people on our conference call, each of us in unique experiences, in unique locations, all with a common disease, and a common recovery.  It is lovely to hear how each person uses tools to benefit their own recovery.  

   What a blessing for me, I finally feel well.  I have aloud God and people in to my life, my addiction, and my story, and shockingly people don't hate me, the shame is gone, and I am on the road to wellness.  

On a side note, Goals, like new years resolutions, used to be hard for me.  I might say something like, "I am going to wake up every morning at 5 am to study my scriptures".  It would happen every day for two or three days and then it would fizzle out.  I didn't know what was wrong with me, my intentions were good, but my follow through was lacking.  How could I improve if I couldn't follow through? 

Well, interestingly enough, after addressing my addiction I have had so many of my "good intentions" become good daily practices.. I get up, shower, get dressed, brush teeth, read scriptures, pray, exercise, eat healthy, clean my home, and go to bed on time.  Im not 100%, but I will tell you that it is so much easier to do these things that create wellness with my addiction in recovery!

September

September 2016 209 lbs.  75 inches lost and 67 lbs. lost

Its interesting how the brain of a person with an eating disorder works.  This week I have been really battling with body image.  Even though I can see the numbers going down, I can not see a difference in my self.  I don't see my self honestly.  I see a fat person in the mirror.  With every effort to be honest and real, I hope you don't mind me sharing my truth.  Over the last several months I have lost 67 lbs. and 75 inches,  But, looking at images of my self I can not see a difference.  I've been pretty upset with my self this week for what I can not see.  After talking with my sponsor, my husband and listening to some pretty amazing and uplifting speakers this weekend, I have a few bits of knowledge to share.

July 2016 around 250 lbs.

Post Marothon, 209 lbs. May 2010

1st time fitting back in to my Senior prom dress. April 2010 around 215 lbs.

1) When you can't trust your brain, trust your program.  My addict brain would tell me all sorts of lies, Im not enough, I am fat, I am worthless, Why try, Chocolate is better than this, etc.  My program and ultimately my God tells me that I am his child, I am created in his image, I am enough because he is enough, Get out of bed,  Eat food that is good for you, Read scriptures, pray, study, smile, be engaged with family, be grateful.  I can trust that even when my brain is telling me otherwise.

2) Be Grateful.  Count your blessings.  Name them.  What are you truely grateful for?  What has God blessed you with?  What brings you joy?  Make a list, write it in your journal, live for your gratitude.
3)Addicts struggle with isolation.  When your stuck in your brain, reach out!  Ask for help, talk through your feelings.  Don't Isolate!

4)God is patient.  He loves you.  He waits for you and loves you through it.  He will never turn his back on you.  Be patient with yourself.  Follow the example of the one who loves you perfectly.
Please don't misunderstand me here.  I do not believe that God would not be patient with my being over weight or having an eating disorder.  I don't think he really cares how much I weigh.  What I do think is that when I personally struggle with my eating disorder, God patiently waits for me to come to him.  Because, I am putting food thoughts or self hate thoughts above all else.  He quietly waits for me to come to him.  To look beyond my self, to reach out and ask him for help.  Each time I do that, he is always there with out streched arms waiting to recieve me.  God is patient.

50

Today I have 3 months of addiction recovery from food.  What a fantastic feeling it is to be in the right frame of mind when it comes to food.  I hardly ever think about food now.  It used to be a constant running thought, "what can I eat, where is that candy, when can I go to the store to get junk food, will Tom notice, you're so fat(I recognize this as not my own thought), I hate my body, I hate how I feel, where is that candy bar, one lindt truffle is enough, your an idiot for eating more(again not my own), how many calories have I consumed, how do people eat just one, how did I just eat the entire bag.."  and on and on and on.  Now I feel hungry at meal time, eat, and I am done.  My brain is clear and I can focus on the tasks at hand.

The scale and the measuring tape have been showing good numbers as well.  I weigh 226.4 lbs.  That means I lost almost 14 lbs. this month.  As far as inches, I've lost another 11 and 3/4 inches for a total of 56 inches lost in the last 3 months.

I am so much more active now.  I attribute that to carrying 50 less lbs. around with me.  50 lbs!!  I walk 3 days a week and play basketball 2 days a week.  I love it!  I feel really good.

I had been really sluggish as well, but after talking with my husband I realized I was still sleeping like an addict.  I would go to bed after midnight some times at 1 or 2 in the morning.  Then, I would wake up at 5 to talk with my sponsor.  I have committed to a 10 pm bedtime now, and I am getting 7 hours a night.  It makes me feel so much better! I am considering a 9 o'clock bedtime.

This program has saved my life.  I am grateful  and happy.